Many political statements are about as sincere
as the epitaphs on tombstones. If you believed everything you read
on some tombstones, you'd think none of the s.o.b.s in this world
ever died.
Of
course in life—as in politics—the reality is different and you have
to be very careful about distinguishing fiction and reality.
According
to some, what I wrote in my column last week in The Toronto Star
was "fiction."
All
right. This time I want to write something that is real and not "a
fiction of my own device."
First,
the Liberal Party of Canada is solidly united behind the leader
Michael Ignatieff, just as it was united behind Stéphane Dion, Paul
Martin, Jean Chrétien, John Turner, and Bob Rae. I know, Rae has
nothing to do with it, but let's give him some latitude.
Anyway,
back to Ignatieff's plan for the holidays.
He
is going to spend Christmas holidays travelling throughout Canada
where he will be cheered by thousands of enthusiastic supporters.
According
to my very unreliable sources, Ignatieff will start his tour in
Toronto where, on Christmas Eve, he's going to be the guest of Ian
Davey's and they will celebrate Peace on Earth and the arrival of
their Messiah, Peter Donolo.
Then
on Christmas Day the Liberal leader will be at St. Michael's
Cathedral in Toronto to attend the special mass and he will be the
altar boy along with his roommate Rae. Together, they will welcome
the Saviour. I've been told, however, that on Christmas Day, Donolo
will not be in Toronto but in Bethlehem.
Before
going to Montreal, Ignatieff will pay a visit to Pollara, the
Liberal Party's pollster. There he will have a special meeting with
Santa Claus who will brief him on the latest poll. He will be told
that he's leading the pack with more than 50 per cent of the popular
vote while Stephen Harper's Conservatives will be quickly losing
ground and reduced to single digit numbers. There's also bad news
for the Bloc Québécois of Gilles Duceppe and Jack Layton's NDP who
will get only 15 seats in Quebec in the next election. At the end of
the meeting with Santa Clause, Michael (Scrooge) Marzolini will
conclude the presentation by reminding Ignatieff about a small
detail: the margin of error in that poll is 150 per cent, give or
take. Sure, it's a bit wide, but still very encouraging.
Ignatieff
will then travel to Montreal where he will spend New Year's Eve with
hundreds of thousands of supporters at a trendy pizza parlour in St.
Leonard. The event will be coordinated by one of his most loyal MPs
in Quebec, Denis Coderre.
For
New Year's Day the leader will have a more private engagement as a
guest of Dion's family to enjoy a special dinner personally prepared
by Janine Krieber because she has very fond memories of Ottawa,
Ignatieff and the Christmas holiday of 2008. She will try to
reciprocate with the same warmth, kindness and courtesy.
I've
been told that his original plan was to travel out West for the
epiphany but, according to the same source, it appears he had to
cancel the trip because he couldn't find Three Wise Men to travel
with him.
I
now know that his trip to the West has been postponed until the
Vancouver Olympics start. His participation will be special and I'll
tell you why in a moment.
So,
with his trip out West postponed, the tour plan has been changed.
Luckily,
because the Liberals are always very well-organized, they have a
plan 'B.' For the epiphany Ignatieff will go out East where he can
count not on three, but six "wise men," his MPs in Newfoundland. He
will take the opportunity to talk to them about the next vote on the
upcoming federal budget in the afternoon of Jan. 3. The meeting was
supposed to take place in the morning of Jan. 2 but it was postponed
because the six Liberal MPs told Ignatieff that before making any
commitment they had to talk to the Premier of Newfoundland Danny
Williams.
So,
let's go back to Vancouver Olympics.
As
we all remember, last year at this time, many Liberals and
journalists, including myself, believed that Ignatieff was so
powerful he could walk on water. After a year, many have realized
that he has some problems staying afloat so Ignatieff's chief money
man, Rocco Rossi, has organized a fundraiser to raise enough money
to hire an instructor who can teach Ignatieff at least how to swim.
At this point, Warren Kinsella's peace room (it's Christmas) decided
that a Liberal leader will not just learn how to swim but has to win
a gold medal at the Olympics. So, they have all decided that
Ignatieff will spend the months of January and February learning how
to swim, not only in water, but also in every other element he might
find himself surrounded.
This
is my honest truth about what's going on in Ottawa (if you don't
believe me read a last week column from, I believe, an Ottawa
Sun columnist who says more or less the same) and I'm sure that
Ignatieff will be a gold medalist in Vancouver in February and the
next prime minister of Canada in March.
Of
course, if you want other details, I'm available for a drink at the
Chateau Laurier. Merry Christmas.
PS: of course I wrote the story before Rocco Rossi resigned. This
means that Ignatieff’s gold medal is in jeopardy in February. Oh
well, he is only going to be prime minister in
March.
